I was diagnosed with Anorexia when I was 18, back in 2014. I went on to spend 2 years in an In-patient unit at a Mental Hospital between 2016-2017, going in at 20, coming out as a 22 year old who knew how to survive, but not how to live.
My anorexia was a bit different to the ‘standard’. I didn’t do it because I wanted to be ‘skinny’ or ‘model-like’; I did it because I didn’t believe that I deserved to take up space. I just wanted to disappear. I never thought of myself really as ever being ‘fat’ or ‘thin’, but I knew that I didn’t see any light in the world and that food and eating would prolong the pain I was in.
In 2020, I was as recovered as I had ever been, but I was still restrictive and actually more ‘orthorexic’ than I had ever been; sustaining on a life of a little protein and fruits and veg. Getting into bodybuilding saved me and my relationship with food. For me, it wasn’t a case that I didn’t know the science of nutrition, but my mind was so convincing that I just didn’t believe it. We all think we’re that ‘one outlier’ that it doesn’t apply to, It just took that step into the dark to push through that doubt and let science do it’s thing.
If you’ve ever had an eating disorder you’ll know that we can just see food as numbers. It’s actually quite genius - if I open the cupboard now, I don’t see things as just food items, I see calorie values. In anorexia, this is damaging. But to a bodybuilder, it’s amazing. I can look at something and instantly know what calories are in it and if it will fit into my plan. It saves me SO much time. I started Macro tracking back in 2020 during lockdown when I started to get into weightlifting, as a science geek I knew all the science behind macros but it was then that I decided to take the leap of faith and truly sign up to eating to a macro plan.
This was the best thing I could have done. I learnt that my body needed a certain amount of fats and carbs in my day and that nothing bad would happen to me. Especially that if I macro tracked foods I was ‘scared’ of into my plan but kept within boundaries, absolutely nothing changed in my life. I soon learnt to become ‘unafraid’ and it opened my life up to embracing so much more just because I wasn’t held back by food.
The one thing I was held back by though was my perception of myself. When the gyms re-opened I joined a bodybuilding gym in town and started to train properly and took myself on a controlled bulk. However, I ended up putting on about 5kg in 8 months, thought I was fat and then took myself on a diet. Obviously, due to history, I’m GREAT at dieting.
At this time it was 2022 and I was fully immersed in the bodybuilding scene on Instagram. I watched all these first timers at PCA and just knew that was something I wanted to do some day. I originally decided to do the offseason myself using the Carbon Diet Coach App (Layne Norton OG fan right here), but knew from the ‘grey-tinted glasses’ I wear that it would be better to do it with a coach.
This was the best decision I could have made.
Get a coach that you can be open and honest with and TRUST that they have nothing but your best interests at heart. I ended up putting on 10kg with my coach of 11 months and I have NEVER been that heavy in all my life. It was a struggle, but honestly, when I didn’t like myself in the mirror I just said ‘Emma, WHEN have you actually liked yourself in the mirror?’. At the end of the day, the coach isn’t going to just get you fat and drop you as a client. You are basically a walking talking spokesperson for them and their business model resides on you achieving what you set out to achieve and speaking for them.
I didn’t like my offseason body. But I didn’t like my Anorexic body either. I ended off season at 71Kg and went into Hospital at 32Kg. But I can tell you for damn sure life was a hell of a lot better at 71Kg than it was at 32. Offseason is a purpose; there is no gaining muscle without gaining weight. Unfortunately, there WILL also be fat gain. But fat gain is temporary, and then you just look Wham.
2016 - Age 20, 2017 - Age 21, 2023 - Age 27, 2025 - Age 29
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